alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
