I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
