why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Randomize
