atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
