All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
