why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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