That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
