Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Rumble strips road head = magical
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
