I wish my penis had an off switch
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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