You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
