2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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