oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
