I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize