I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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