youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I could fuck to npr.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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