I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize