Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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