The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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