what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
