Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
