I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize