Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
