found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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