??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
