Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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