She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
