Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize