saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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