dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
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