This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
