he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
