i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Blood and glitter go together right?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
