I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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