His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
This is my gift to your gina
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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