He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
