Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
