Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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