In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
