Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
