And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
