I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
