I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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