five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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