I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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