Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Use "feeling words"
Yay
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
