She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
