she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
