He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
