Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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