Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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