he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
