I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Sorry about my life...
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
