I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
