This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Let's get the cat blown out
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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