i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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