Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize