My room smells like vodka and shame
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
