You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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