So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize