just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
